Tommy in Trenton, NJ: MANagement, after seeing Obama’s second inauguration, my wife is now contemplating a shorter haircut with bangs cut across her forehead like Michelle Obama’s. I’ve begged her not to do this, but she says it’d be easier to maintain and kind of “funky.” How did this hairstyle become popular? It sounds shallow, but part of the reason I love my wife is how sexy she is. If she gets this haircut, it’ll be like making love to Captain Kangaroo. Is there anyway I can prevent this from happening? Can you imagine sleeping with a woman looking like this:
Ted: Thank you writer, I almost threw up thinking of Captain Kangaroo in bed. But know this: you should feel no shame for trying to stop your wife from this horrible decision. Men get criticized all the time for commenting about their wife’s appearance. Men are demonized if they tell their wives or girlfriends they are starting to put on weight, or their hair looks like the Dutch Boy logo. What people don’t realize is that the men know their women better than anyone. Maybe men see their girls scarfing Doritos at ten at night. Maybe they know their wives feel a little insecure about their weight after having a baby. Men know their women are sometimes so desperate to look good, they’ll listen to anyone to tell them what looks sexy. Want proof? Although the hairstyles are the same, only one of the following individuals is a fashion magazine editor:
Do you honestly believe either one of those people should be telling your wife how to do her hair? The only thing you can do is keep up the pressure on your wife. Explain to her that you’re not talking her out of this for you, but for her. In ten years, she’ll look back at pictures of her haircut and want to throw up the way I do when I picture my wife with a Captain Kangaroo ‘do.
Brian: Ted, do you think this guy could convince his wife when Barack couldn’t? You think Obama didn’t try to talk Michelle out of that freakshow cut? You know Obama was crying on those two Bibles as he said the oath staring at Michelle with eyes being stabbed by her hair. I guarantee you his range of emotions before that day ran the full spectrum. He started with the sarcastic disbelief, “you’re not really going to put a bowl around your head are you?” He followed that with varying degrees of begging and pleading, “please don’t do this . . . your haircut will steal the thunder of my speech. . . ” When that didn’t work, he tried out his inner thug using threats of force and Executive Orders outlawing her hairdo. “Dammit, Michelle, I told Secret Service not to let you on the stage like that!” Unfortunately for Barack and for you, all the power and stealth of a drone strike can’t wipe those cuts off the face of the earth, or the inaugural stage. Learn to accept it and move on. Barack still said the oath just fine, and you’ll be fine too.
Frank: Personally, I like bangs. I remember in high school hooking up with a girl and getting to the point where things were at a sexual tipping point and I didn’t have a condom. My girl pulled one out of her six inch high power bangs.
When I asked why it was there, she said her parents used to search her pockets before she went out for the night, so she stored it in her bangs. Good thing too – if she didn’t have it, I definitely would have gotten syphillis. Your problem is the new look for bangs is to have them hanging in women’s faces, so low they scratch their eyeballs – which is awful. You definitely can’t hide a condom in there. In order to win this argument, you have to make an alliance with the other influential women in her life. You have to understand, women don’t dress to impress men. They dress to impress other women. Then the other women judge them based on what they think men would think of them. Of course this is completely circular logic. Instead of just asking you what men would think, she asks her girlfriends what they think men would think. Could you imagine if men did the same thing? We’d all wear our favorite jerseys and sweatpants to the office. Then all the other men would comment on how the jerseys complimented our pecs and the sweatpants properly framed our package. It all makes about as much sense as women’s sizing. If getting her friends on board with you doesn’t work, the only thing you can do is live and let live. I remember when my parents visited me at college one day and found out I had dreadlocks. My parents threatened to cut off my tuition and make me live at home. I happily took them up on that threat and have lived in their basement ever since – dreads still intact. Be careful what you wish for. I hope you’re reading this Dad.